


John and Rodney Return to the Gateroom

by jodipaul



Series: They Only Work with a Triurbçoj, Whatever That Is [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: An actual United Federation of Planets, And encourages you to do the same, F/F, F/M, In which the author inserts herself into headcanon, M/M, Multi, Other, Other sentient Ancient Cities, Sentient Atlantis, The Author Regrets Nothing, We are all Topaz Sheppard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 07:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24347272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jodipaul/pseuds/jodipaul
Summary: They're just such popular guys, with so many responsibilities.
Relationships: Alison Porter/Anne Teldy, Daniel Jackson/Jack O'Neill, OFC/OMC, Rodney McKay/John Sheppard, Rodney McKay/John Sheppard/OFC, Samantha "Sam" Carter/Daniel Jackson/Jack O'Neill
Series: They Only Work with a Triurbçoj, Whatever That Is [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1757836
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry about the formatting. The poorly wrapped text was supposed to be a hanging indent.
> 
> This story is part of a ridiculously detailed headcanon that TBH I'll probably never write all of, even though I invented an entirely new language! New military and civilian titles, education levels, planets, a spiritual system (NOT a religion), Ancient Cities, and who knows what all else I've got in that database. I've written some pieces here and there, and I'll probably post them eventually. But, none of them have been tied together into a larger narrative, and none of them was written in the same style.
> 
> In this universe, the Ancient Cities have AIs (but they only work when there's a triurbçoj); Atlantis's AI is named Atlantia (and is based heavily on Dark Matter's Android; Zoie Palmer is my facecanon for Atlantia, because I just loved her and that role). Atlantia called out to her siblings, and so far, has found a dozen in total. A few are on the same planet, some moved to planets without a City, and others have been operating in the same location for tens of thousands of years.
> 
> Additionally, in this Universe, Atlantis seceded from Earth soon after the events of the episode The Siege. Earth is a trading partner, but not a particularly friendly one. Between the planets discovered through finding the other Ancient Cities, and others that have been discovered through the Stargate programs in the Milky Way and Pegasus galaxies, an alliance was formed through an alliance made by our very own John Sheppard and Jack O'Neill, who found himself a King on a planet at the edge of the Milky Way. That alliance was later named the United Federation of Planets, or UFP for short. (Yes, just like in Star Trek. I'm posting that part of the story as the second chapter of this one, even though it's basically just background info. And amusing, imnsho.)

Elizabeth John, Rodney, any update? It’s been half an hour since the last check-in.

John Nope, we’ve been monitoring it, and it still seems to be working just fine. Looks like the new crystals did the trick.

Rodney Any other issues should be with the ordinary plumbing, which of course is simple enough that a five-year-old could fix it.

John (snorts) I don’t know about _that_

Elizabeth That’s good to hear. Head on back, and we’ll debrief.

John Okay, we’ll be right there. Sheppard out.

Ω

Rodney Ugh. “Right there,” he says. Why did you tell her that? You realize this means there’s no time to make out like teenagers in a storage closet first.

John You know the teenagers don’t make out in storage closets. They’ve got that whole … _thing_ … out on the East Pier. (waves hand in several vague directions, grimacing) Besides, I can grope you right here. Hell, I can even grope you while we walk!

Rodney Well, excuse me for suggesting we play hooky to get a few minutes of alone time!

John …like the alone time we’ve been having while you fixed the water filtration system for two hours and we watched it for nearly an hour?

Rodney _You_ might have been alone, but _I_ was working.

John (slinks up and kisses his husband) Yes, Rodney, I’m sure the water in Atlantis is now the very best water in all of history ever to be offered to people for their use. We should make it a Federation holiday.

Rodney Get some coffee on the way?

John Hell yeah.

Ω

Rodney Oh, hey, Duncan, Beryl. The filtration system repair seems to have worked, but we’re going to need some replacement crystals grown. We used all of them on this repair.

Beryl Ok, I’ll make sure that gets on the list today. How many do you think we need? Will you be recommending the same repair for the other Cities?

Rodney Hm, yes. Ask Atlantia and see if she agrees, but it’ll probably be a good idea to ask the other AIs to check. After all, these Cities weren’t made yesterday. Let me know what she says, then we can decide how many to grow, and you can get all that scheduled and coordinated with the AIs.

Beryl I’ll get the lab started on growing enough crystals to replace the ones you just used twice over. That’ll take a few days, and by then we’ll know how many in total for these repairs and for stores. Preventive maintenance, y’all! It’s a thing.

Rodney You have _no idea_ how nice it is to have _competent_ people out here. Seceding from Earth was the best thing we ever did.

Duncan What about the electrical to the system? It check out ok?

Rodney The readings were within tolerance, but it wouldn’t hurt to check in on it periodically over the next couple of days. That was its first repair in more than ten thousand years, after all.

John It felt good, but not perfect.

Duncan I’ll be sure to check it out myself.

Beryl (raises eyebrow, smiling) You’ll go wherever the schedule I slaved over for hours sends you first.

Duncan (shakes head, grins) These bossy Garland women! Yes, dear. (turns to John and Rodney, stage whispering) Don’t marry a project manager! You’ll never make an independent decision again!

Beryl That’s the last straw, mister. I’m starting a Federation-wide eye rolling league. I defy anyone on any other planet to try to beat my sisters and me. We have to put up with the likes of you folk; we are _pros_.

John (brays out some laughter) O-kay! Well, we’re off to get coffee. Care to join us?

Duncan I don’t know, _Beryl_ , where _are_ we supposed to be?

Beryl (puts on shit-eating grin) Babe. Isn’t it obvious? Now I need to make some new service requests and schedule changes, don’t I? So you can go play with the water filtration system? (turns to John and Rodney) Y’all have a happy day. We’re headed to the office now.

Duncan Welp, guess that’s that then. See y’all later.

Ω

Rodney Gesserit and Gaius! What do you think you’re doing?!

John How did you get up there?

Gesserit We’re fixing the water line. There’s a clog behind this panel.

Gaius (speaks slowly, as if to idiots) …Atlantia made the steps in the wall? So we could get up here to fix it?

Rodney And why are _you_ fixing it? Couldn’t you wait for an adult like all the rest of the kids?

Gesserit (rolls eyes) No?

Gaius We heard you tell Elizabeth you were finished, and then Atlantia told us there was a clog out here. Then we decided to fix it.

John (glares at twins) Why… How were you listening to Command?! Where is your mother?

Gesserit (makes complicated, left-handed gesture near her head) You don’t know?

John (huffs, storms off)

Rodney (raises eyebrows at twins) So you took it upon your seven-year-old selves to fix the city’s plumbing. Whatever were you thinking?

Gaius That all we had to do was this? (unscrews hose, empties clog into a bucket, makes a face at it, removes filter, takes towel from his sister, wipes the filter clean, replaces it, and screws it back on)

Gesserit (narrows eyes) That even a _five-year-old_ could do it? And that it would take about ten whole minutes? That we live here too? Chiiki seiso[1]?

(twins walk back down the ten stairs, each of which retracts seamlessly into a wall panel)

Rodney Huh. She just…made you some stairs. Yes, all you kids, with your perfect, shiny little genes, I suppose Atlantia _would_ do something like that for you. How about get an adult next time?!

John (approaches, carrying a tray of sandwiches and pointing toward the tables in the Staffeteria) Why don’t you two go sit down and have some lunch—and wait for your mom. I had Andrew make these. Stay out of trouble, yeah?

Gaius (pumps fist) Mmmm yesss, PB and trophyberry!

Gesserit Ew, douf[2]. You better wash those hands first.

Rodney Did you see those stairs go back into the wall? Can _you_ do that?

John (sighs) I don’t know, Rodney. I’ve never thought to ask. For _stairs_ to come out of the walls. (turns to twins) You’re going to wash up and then eat, right?

Gesserit Yes.

John I’d hate to hear otherwise.

Rodney (waggles finger at twins) We are not finished with this discussion! I want to know what else Atlantia creates for all you…younglings… while we’re not looking.

Ω

Andrew (approaches, failing to hide his grin) Y’all want some sandwiches, too? We got Kevin’s first batch of trophyberry jam yesterday; I gotta admit, it does go down real nice with some peanut butter. Makes me feel like a kid again.

Rodney Wait, I thought the last of the trophyberries was a few months ago.

Andrew Yes, but remember? David wanted to try growing them here on the city, in hydroponics, to try to get a longer growing season. His experiments paid off, and so far we’ve already got enough of the early ones to make jam and a few desserts. Anyway, we oughtta have trophyberries a lot more often now—quite possibly, year ‘round.

John (rolls eyes, elbowing Rodney) And here, you’ve always insinuated botany wasn’t scientific enough to merit your notice. And yet, you want to eat the literal fruits of their efforts? Tsk tsk, Rodney.

Rodney (does the chin thing) Well, I, for one, welcome our new botanist overlords. At least, the ones who grow delicious things. Yes, Andrew, thank you. I would love a sandwich. (raises eyebrow toward John) Will the little red hen want one as well?

John Thank you, Andrew. If it’s no trouble, yes, we’d like sandwiches, please.

Andrew You’re welcome. It's my pleasure, Sir. I won’t be a minute.

Rodney (snorts at John, plants hands on hips) I pay attention. I’ll have you know I’m fully aware that trophyberries are not only delicious, but according to the local voudoun[3], are also highly nutritious. Superb levels of Vitamins B and K, and so forth. And, of course, just like everyone knows, they were named by our very own Aiden Ford, who thought they resembled …trophies. Furthermore, it’s my understanding that (air quotes) Dr. David “Washington Carver” Parrish is pretty sure we can use the oil from the seeds to make biodegradable plastics and also wants to test powdering the hulls into flour.

John Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Andrew (hands Rodney a bag) A dozen PBTs to go. I figure you can share.

Rodney (unwraps a sandwich, takes a hefty bite, rolls eyes in bliss, talks with mouth full) Love trophyberries. Ummmm. So good. Such a dumb name.

John Thanks Andrew. See ya.

Andrew Happy day, y’all.

John (waves at Andrew, sees twins at table eating quietly, points at the kiosk) Rodney? Coffee?

Rodney Oh yeah.

Ω

Anne Happy day, Sir.

John Morning, Teldy. Are you supposed to call me Sir when you’re off duty? (turns to Rodney) Am _I_ even on duty right now? Or am I just your light switch?

Rodney (waggles eyebrows, leers) I'll turn you on just as soon as… Wait a minute!? How can you not know whether or not you’re on duty?

John (mutters) Didn’t check with Lorne… (clears throat, turning) Here for some grande triple sugar free vanilla lattes?

Alison (sighs, rolls eyes, rubs her very pregnant belly) I _so_ love that everyone knows my coffee order. Decaf for me, of course.

Anne (kisses Alison’s temple) Only another three weeks. Then we’ll need all the caffeine in the city for when this little girl keeps us up all night long.

Rodney Hunh. I haven’t had a froofy coffee in a while. I think vanilla will go well with these PBTs, right, John?

John Sure, Rodney. Vanilla coffee and peanut butter sandwiches. (grimaces) You do you. (turns to Anne and Alison) Have you picked out a name yet? Or are you waiting for her naming ceremony for the reveal?

Alison Yes. Her name is America Elise Porter Teldy. I can hardly wait to meet her. Also, I’m ready to stop waddling.

Anne Neither of us has any desire to return to Earth. But we wanted to honor where we came from. After all, if it wasn’t for the good ol’ US of A, none of us would be here.

Rodney Wow, that’s. I never thought about America as a first name. For a person. That’s. Huh! I like it.

John If she hates it, she could always be Meri for short. Dave, Matt, and I[4] all prefer the short versions of our names. Well, I guess you all know that.

Alison Cool, I hadn’t thought of that one. We’ll keep it in mind. Thank you. You two have a nice shift; we’re headed off to see Marcy for the weekly checkup. See you later. Happy day!

Rodney (elbows John) Vanilla?

John No thanks. Plain ol, same ol’s good enough for me.

Ω

Evan (in the distance, loud footsteps, followed by shouting) Dammit, slow down! No need to run!

Cado (not slowing down for a second) Morning, Sir!

Dandiña (slows down for two steps) Happy day, Sir!

Gavin (simultaneously) Morning, Sir!

Scott (right behind the others) Morning, Sir!

Rodney John? Did we or did we not establish schools here? Why are there free range children everywhere we look? Oh, no, no, no. Have we crossed into an alternate reality _again_?! Didn’t we get enough new citizens that way[5]?

Evan (appears from around corner) Sorry, Sir. They heard it was peanut butter and trophyberry sandwiches today, and it _is_ lunchtime, after all.

Rodney (flourishes bag) Good thing we already got ours, then.

John (clearly amused) Lorne. Those mini-mes of yours are setting a terrible example for Ronon’s two.

Evan (snorts and suppresses eye roll) Yes, Sir. Unacceptably feral, Sir. I’ll be sure we address it at home. Sir. (gestures with thumb) I’m off to lunch now. (winks) It’s PBTs, you know.

John (laughs) Later, Lorne. Have a good one.

Rodney (turns back toward Evan) Oh, hey, Colonel, is the General here on duty right now? He…doesn’t seem to know. (snickers)

Evan (checks phone) No, Domive Sheppard, the General’s shift at Command doesn’t start for another two hours. First, he’s meeting with Elizabeth and Atlantia with the reports from the other City AIs, then he’s relieving Elizabeth so she and Teyla can go to the mainland for their regular monthly group dinner party thing.

Rodney (glares at John) How come they never invite _us_ to their regular monthly group dinner party thing?

John (rolls eyes at Rodney) …Because it’s for women? Remember, they’ve been putting together the Federation-wide sort-of-bat-mitzvah coming of age ceremony thing? What are they calling that, again? Hm, but I wonder why Ronon hasn’t put us on the committee for the one for the boys?

Evan It’s “kreskiçoj[6]” for any gender, Sir. At the first meeting, he said he thought you two already had enough on your plate and didn’t want to add more meetings to your schedules. But that was the only reason. We would all appreciate your input; if you want to come to the next meeting, I’ll add it to your schedule. It’s next week.

Rodney I guess I feel like all the parents should be able to contribute. I’d like to go, too, Evan—send me the meeting invite, too. We’re on our way to Elizabeth now; I’ll talk to her about it.

John Thank you, Evan. Happy day.

Evan Yes, Sir. Happy day, Sir.

Ω

John (on radio) Hey, Paz.

Topaz Yes, dear?

John Are you going to the thing on the mainland tonight? With Elizabeth and Teyla?

Topaz Um, yes? You know Amethyst, Beryl, and I always go together…why do you ask?

Rodney Because we were just talking with Colonel Lorne about the kreskiçoj meetings. Why are we segregating them by sex? What about the other genders? What about parents with kids of more than one sex—what are we supposed to do? See, this is why I should have been in the initial meetings!

Topaz Aww, honey, that’s a lot to unpack there. Mostly, it’s because the classes are about what to expect during puberty. When you were twelve, how would you have felt about sitting in a room full of girls talking about getting their periods? Or in that same room of girls talking about inappropriate erections and wet dreams? It’ll be somewhat different for the twins, since they’ll be going through all those things together.

John I _still_ don’t know how women do that every month. Just the one simulation was enough for me, thanks. Oh, hey, that’s a pretty good idea. Maybe some of the sessions should include simulations like that for other genders. I know I might have been nicer to you—and every other woman I’ve ever encountered—if I had to go to work, school, wherever, pretending like I’m fine when I actually felt like crap.

Rodney (shudders) Bodily functions are so…inconvenient.

John (raises eyebrow at Rodney) You seem to like sex and eating well enough.

Topaz And massage. _And_ kissing. You love having a body, Rodney, don’t try to lie. Anyway, the whole point of kreskiçoj is taking the first step into adulthood. That’s why we’re also talking about granting Class C citizenship as part of the ceremony—so the teenagers who go through it get upgraded access and permissions—kind of like how they do it on Nilàm[7], with a sponsor, who’s like a new aunt or uncle. Except the new Federation-wide version will be secular, of course, and will be designed to support all of our young people, irrespective of gender. I think we’re also looking at recognizing more than two genders. I’ll be sure we talk about that tonight, so we can set up a committee for our enby citizens to get a voice.

John That’s awesome. I love it. Did the kids find you? Wait’ll we tell you what they were up to earlier.

Topaz Honey. Please. Gigi and Gaius have already supplied me with an heroic tale about how they were being such responsible citizens—helping Atlantia _herself_ , even! And trying to do something useful and good for the City when their monstrous, tyrannical fathers shooed them away like pests.

Rodney We did no such thing! Heaven forfend our _seven-year old twins_ harm themselves with unnecessary feats of derring-do! Don’t think I won’t have a discussion with Atlantia about this!

John (brays out a little donkey laugh) Wow, Rodney. They walked up ten stairs and then back down again. That hardly seems dangerous.

Rodney Says the Domive[8] of recklessness himself!

Topaz Husbands! Don’t you have somewhere to be? Because I do. Anything else? If not, talk to you this evening. Love you!

John Love you too, Lady.

Rodney Love you, Lady.

Ω

Amelia There you are! Elizabeth said she was starting to think you fell off a pier.

Rodney We weren’t anywhere near the piers! We came straight here, just like we said.

John We _did_ get sidetracked several times, though. Think we can bribe you with a PBT? Andrew made us some extras to share.

Chuck How many extras? You’re going to need to bribe Elizabeth, too.

Rodney (digs in bag) There are plenty. Here, have one.

Amelia (unwraps sandwich, takes bite) Ahhh, I love these things.

Chuck Who knew peanut butter sandwiches would become such a delicacy, eh?

Elizabeth (quirks eyebrow at John and Rodney) As I recall, it took about six minutes to walk to plumbing central. I wonder why it took more than an hour to get back here?

John Elizabeth! Regance[9]! You’re looking so…

Elizabeth (eyebrow raises higher)

John You’re looking so thoughtful this afternoon! Wouldn’t you like a peanut butter and trophyberry sandwich? We brought some just for you.

Elizabeth Why thank you, General. That’s so kind of you and Rodney to bring me lunch.

Rodney So we were talking to Paz on the way here about the whole kreskiçoj thing…

John (groans and gets himself a sandwich)

[1] Neighborhood cleanup. Source: <https://megaphone.upworthy.com/p/japan-children-clean-schools>

[2] A childhood insult, similar to “dumbhead” or “buttface”

[3] Rodney uses this here as a plural of “voodoo practitioners” to collectively refer to the medical department

[4] I like the shared headcanon that John has two brothers

[5] I also like the ideas from [Children of Lantean Design](https://archiveofourown.org/works/648346/chapters/1179009)

[6] Pronounced krESS-kee-tsoy

[7] One of the planets in the UFP

[8] An honorary higher than Doctor, this title used for someone who is leading expert in any particular subject and is pronounced dough-MEE-vay

[9] A Regance is like a Governor; Elizabeth is the Regance of Atlantis


	2. How the UFP Became Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack wasn't born with a whole lot of fucks to give.

Chaistealerra[1]

* Apparently, Jack doesn’t give a shit if he _did_ rip the name off from Star Trek. “I’m the fucking King of Eriskay[2] and the cofounder of the **actual** United Federation of Planets. The Roddenberry estate, Paramount, CBS, or who-the-hell-ever can lawyer the fuck up if they really want to play. Besides, why are you _arguing with me about this_?! The name was _your idea, Daniel_.”
  

* Daniel rolled his eyes, took a breath, and sighed. “Yes, Jack, I know that. I just didn’t want anybody to get sued.”
  

* Now in a fine fit state, Jack continues yelling. “Sued? _Sued_?! We barely have a diplomatic relationship with Earth! Those assholes can go screw themselves. You know what else I’m going to plagiarize, _Daniel_? The Come and Take It flag from the Battle of Gonzales. I hereby decree the new flag of the United Federation of Planets. It’ll have an image of the spire both cities share instead of the cannon. If they don't like that we named a united federation of planets The United Federation of Planets, they can _come and fucking take it!_ **Ysenda!**[3]”
  

* Ysenda comes into the room. Jack asks her to get a connection established between there and Atlantis; he feels the need to immediately update John on what’s been going on…as well as their new flag.
  

* They decide to add two planets to the image of the newly created United Federation of Planets flag, to represent the two founders: Bydöedd[4] and Lantâria[5].

[1] House of the Royal Family (like Buckingham Palace, or The White House)

[2] One of two continents on PY2-693, or Bydöedd

[3] Jack and Daniel’s steward

[4] Local designation for the planet PY2-693

[5] The planet where Atlantis and four other Ancient cities are currently located; also the capital of the UFP


End file.
